I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait, and in His word do I hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than the watchmen for the morning; indeed, more than the watchmen for the morning.” Psalm 130:6

Watchmen for the morning. When read these words I feel a sense of excitement and anticipation. After a little study on these night watchmen, I learned that morning meant relief for them and a laying down of the burden of keeping watch. If a watchman falls asleep or lets down his guard, the enemy can get in. Things at night are dark and so there must be extra care given to paying attention, being on alert and watching for signs of danger. Once time ticks by and they know that morning is near, they begin to be attuned to the sky and literally watching for the first signs of daylight. This light brings rest, peace and it signals that they kept themselves and their charges safe for one more night. They wait expectantly and joyfully never doubting that the sun will indeed rise one more time.

Dark times are hard on so many levels. There may be physical or emotional pain, uncertainty, doubt, any of those feelings that leave the darkness threatening. While we know that our enemy is always lurking to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10), it feels worse at night because our senses are limited. I can’t see as well in the night time and therefore, I am more vulnerable. The same is true in my soul and when life gets dark, I can’t see as well and I am more vulnerable. And at that moment, hopeful and expectant waiting enters.

We have to be waiting watchmen in our lives. When darkness comes we have to remember a few key things:

1. The night and darkness is never forever. Darkness is a chapter and it is not the whole book. Darkness feels overwhelming because it is heavy and tests our other senses besides sight. Darkness invites us to rely on what we know about God, what we hear Him saying and respond to what we hear.
2. The sun always rises. It is only possible to wait in hope and expectancy when you believe fully and without any doubt at all that the sun IS indeed going to rise. You’ve seen it rise every day of your life up to this point and there is no reason to believe it won’t rise again. God will rise in your darkness and pour His amazing light all over you. His timing is just not your timing.
3. Don’t watch alone. The night watchmen are just that…men, plural. It is so important that we all have one or two, or more, people who are on the same course we are watching with us. Perhaps our support people aren’t in darkness themselves but they are willing and open to sitting in our darkness with us, keeping watch for the sun to rise. And perhaps they are in their own darkness and between us, we can share the burden of keeping watch as well as share the encouragement of keeping watch.

Darkness is inevitable, night falls every 24 hours and so our lives will always have seasons of darkness. Getting through the darkness well is done by placing all of our hope in God and His word and then waiting hopeful and expectant for the sun to rise. It will rise friend, you just have to keep watch and not get lost in the darkness. Be a waiting watchmen for yourself and for those around you.

If you need a prayer partner, please email me at jesusreliant@gmail.com

Shalom,

KA

“The Lord lift up His [approving] countenance upon you and give you peace (shalom) [tranquility of heart and life continually].” Numbers 6:26

Shalom. This is an amazing word that many of us miss. Strong’s Concordance (7965) defines shalom as: completeness, wholeness, health, safety, soundness, tranquility, prosperity, fullness, rest, harmony and the absence of discord. I don’t know about you, but I want all that this word has to offer! And yet, I offer a caution: there is a cost for shalom.

Shalom was the Garden of Eden, everything perfect, complete and whole. There was nakedness without shame or fear. Shalom. At the entrance of evil and sin, shalom was broken for all of us and we ceased to live lives described as complete, whole, healthy, etc. We entered in to a system where evil forces bombard our lives from the onset and spend all their time keeping us from ever establishing shalom again. What evil couldn’t foretell was Jesus. Jesus is the ultimate Shalom! Jesus provides shalom redeemed in our lives and yet, I offer another word of caution: shalom redeemed is a process, not a singular event. The implication here is that all processes inherently have pain and joy combined.

Last week I was blessed to experience shalom redeemed in my story and it came at a price and it came as a process. I am currently in school to obtain a certificate in counseling that is specifically meant to help people work through trauma. In the process of learning, we are invited to face our own stories of trauma and work through them with the grace of the Cross. It’s beautifully painful work and each time I’m in class, I come out a different person than I went in: shalom redeemed.

I had a picture of my relationship with my mom that was distorted at best. I believed her to be my best friend and that, in and of itself, is a distortion. Through the work in my class, and the help of an amazing small group, I had to face what I knew deep down: my mom never truly acted like my friend nor my mom. My mom was a tortured person who had experienced her own deep harm at the hand of her mother and she had no way to respond but by unleashing deep harm on me as well. This was a family cycle going back at least 3 generations that I’m aware of and I suspect more. It’s called a curse. I spent the better part of my 46 years alive covering and protecting the violence that she invited in to our lives and the alienation that came as well.

And then God walked in and shalom was redeemed. After four painful days of processing and reframing my view of my mother, I was angry. Angry that I had experienced her harm and yet called her friend. Angry that her harm and need to keep me to herself kept me from other people in my family. Angry that her harm made it easy to walk away from marriages because I had her to save me. And in my anger, I had to find way to bless her. Bless that she was damaged. Bless that although unhealthy, she did love me in her limited capacity. Bless that God had shown extreme mercy and grace by saving her and then calling her to heaven. Bless that I was saying, “no” to the vows, agreements and curses that existed in my family up to that point. Bless the pain and lay her to rest in the deepest way.

Shalom has a cost and the cost is your comfort. Walking through transformation and facing the evil in our lives is ridiculously painful and uncomfortable. And yet, the redemption of shalom is the invitation God has for all of us when the blessing says, “…may He give you peace (shalom)..” Are you willing to accept the invitation? Are you willing to look at your life and say yes to the invitation that God is extending of shalom? Are you willing to lose your life to find it? (Matthew 16:25) Are you willing to enter in to the process of shalom and allow God to truly unchain you from your vows and agreements that you’ve made with evil that you aren’t even aware of? Are you willing to bless the pain and evil? Don’t desire true shalom without knowing the cost because you can’t force it, you must be led to it by God with an open heart. Open to both pain and joy and filled with radical and ridiculous hope.

My prayer for us all is that we accept the invitation to a life of shalom. If you would like a prayer partner, please email me at jesusreliant@gmail.com.

Shalom,

KA

“Cease striving and know that I am God;”-Psalm 46:10

If you’re like me, your brain just blew up. You can’t even imagine in your wildest dreams, which really you wouldn’t even dream about because it’s a nightmare, to cease striving. Striving is what you do! Doing is what you strive to do! Welcome to The Sisterhood of Striving.

Here’s how dictionary.com defines striving and I know, for all of my sisters strivers, you’ll actually get excited when you read these words:

• Exert oneself vigorously; try hard;
• Make strenuous efforts toward any goal;
• Contend in opposition, battle, or any conflict; compete
• Struggle vigorously, as in opposition or resistance

Oh man, can I just be super honest and say that I read these words and my head says, “Uh ya, isn’t this how we’re supposed to live??” Don’t you get excited at the idea of vigorously exerting yourself in strenuous efforts, through battle or conflict, demolishing resistance to accomplish a goal?!? As a doer, I say sign me up! Life is one big mud run and I want to be the muddiest, grossest, dirtiest person arriving within the top 5 over the finish line either establishing a solid baseline for future runs or beating my last time by no less than 60 seconds. (Oh ya, I speak your language Sisters!)

Some of you have just read the above and so deeply related that you’re wondering how I know you so well since it’s likely I’ve never met you. You’re also wondering what on earth could be the point of this blog. To you I say, sit down because I’m about to drop a bomb on your life that comes straight from God’s Word to your heart.

“Stop striving”, God said. Breathe. Rock in your chair. Hold a stone in your hand. Do whatever you need to do to gain some peace because when you, my sister striver, hear words like “stop striving” your heart pounds wildly and I’m betting the very first question you have is, “But what would I do?” And the answer is, “Be”.

There are a ton of dangers in being a doer and here’s just a few: you forget that God is in control, not you; you wear yourself out; you try to earn God’s love which is absolutely futile and impossible. Striving won’t bring me one iota closer to God ever, but it will take me away from Him. Striving is about me and what I can do and how much God will love when I do whatever I’ve decided is important. The desire behind striving isn’t bad, pleasing God, the core of the idea is bad because it’s impossible to please God by any other means than being present in His grace and being obedient.

Ah…obedience…there’s something I can do! Here’s the catch with this whole stop striving thing: you must stop striving in order to be present with God and then once you’re present with God, He’ll activate you and send you out. So now you’re probably thinking, “But wait! If I’m going to end up doing something, why can’t I just DO that now?” Obedience. Obedience to God’s Word which is inviting you to a place of being. If you can’t be with God, you can’t serve God because you’ll never hear God over the noise of what you’re doing for God without His leadership. Did you get that? If you can’t rest in God and just be in His presence, you’ll never serve Him the way He created you to serve because you’ll never sit still long enough to hear His voice.

God is plenty big enough to get all of the work of the world done without you. Sorry, but that is a truth. It isn’t meant to make you feel unimportant, it’s meant to make you feel less responsible for the world because let’s face it, you aren’t and God is. In the verses prior to Psalm 46:10, God describes all that He is able to do and let me tell you, none of it are you or I able to do. I believe He shows us His power and ability in these verses in order to make the notion of our ceasing to strive easier. Being, for a doer, is a massive act of faith. You have to believe that God is more able than you and that is a core belief change for many of us. So, don’t think you’ll “do” this thing called being with a checklist or a five-step plan because you won’t. Ceasing to strive will be a slowly and likely painful process where you moment-by-moment give your life over to the God who loves you more and is able to do so much more than you can even fathom. So don’t set a timeline to achieve being, it’s not possible.

Right now, pray and ask God to help you see the next step for ceasing to strive. He wants you to know Him and that He is God and I know He’s going to be jumping up and down with joy when you invite Him into your life in this way. This is a process and it is most likely a slow process so be kind to yourself and remember that God’s grace is covering you.

If you need prayer support from a sister striver, email me at jesusreliant@gmail.com.

Shalom,

KA

“For a brief moment I forsook you, but with great compassion I will gather you. In an outburst of anger I hid My face from you for a moment, but with everlasting lovingkindness I will have compassion on you,” Says the Lord your Redeemer.” – Isaiah 54: 7-8 

“For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake, but My lovingkindness will not be removed from you, and My covenant of peace will not be shaken,” Says the Lord who has compassion on you.” – Isaiah 54:10

Excerpt from yesterday’s post in case you missed it. [For the next two years, I got through my days at work, my time with my daughter and school by living for the moments when I could drink. I didn’t drink at home and I never missed work, I drank on certain days of the week and every-other-weekend when she was away with her dad. On those “free” days, I drank to black out most nights. I was in so much pain I couldn’t stand being sober unless I was doing something fun with my daughter. I hated everything about being an adult because I had never been prepared for being an adult. I was miserable but I didn’t want to disappoint anyone so I made sure to have these neat compartments so that my friends and family didn’t know how much pain I was in and that I was drowning.]

In 2010, we started to occasionally attend church with my family. Even though I didn’t want anything to do with God, I wanted my daughter to know God. We lived about 40 minutes away from this church but it was worth the drive on Sunday’s to have the connection with my family. I was still hurting so badly and I didn’t know how to tell them but being around them relieved some pain. We started to get more involved in small groups and the kids programs and my heart was softening. I hadn’t quit drinking and most Sunday’s I left church in tears, but God was working.

By 2011, we were really involved at church. Every Sunday night, I would beg God to step in a fix my life. I needed to quit drinking. I needed to end a significant relationship. I needed to get my finances in order. I needed God. And every Sunday God would say no. You see, God wanted my life, I just wanted a quick fix. I knew He could sweep away all my junk and I would be fine but He knew I needed healing and I didn’t want that. I wanted to keep my pain because at this point, it was a friend. I was terrified of trusting Him because I blamed Him for so much that I just felt He was mean.

In April of 2011 I was arrested for a suspicion of a DUI. This rocked my world. I was terrified and so full of shame that I could barely breathe. I spent hours at a time crying when I was alone. I craved being alone so that I could just get swallowed up into the darkness. I was embarrassed and terrified I would lose my daughter. I felt like the worst person on the planet, the lowest of the low. I continued to beg God to fix everything and He continued to say no. I knew what He wanted and I was ridiculously scared to trust Him. I didn’t quit drinking at this time but I did quit drinking and driving. Having another arrest was not an option.

By November of 2011, my health was feeling the effect of the alcohol. On November 9, I was in the ER feeling like I was having a heartache or a stroke. I couldn’t remember huge pieces of my life. I couldn’t read a simple paragraph. I didn’t remember driving to work. In the end, I was having a massive panic attack and my heart was acting abnormally. After some tests the next day, the doctor called and told me that my heart was starting to harden in one corner and that it was due to how I was living. She was very cold and sober and just told me straight out that I was killing myself and that if I didn’t stop, my health would continue to decline. I was beyond terrified. The last thing I wanted to do was actually die.

I laid in bed, crying and crying out to God and He spoke to me clearly. He told me that I no longer had access to Him until I gave Him my life. He was turning away from me! You see, in order for me to give Him my life, I had to quit drinking, quit living recklessly, end a relationship and hardest of all…trust Him. I couldn’t grasp any of that and especially not the trusting Him. I laid in bed all day crying and sleeping. And then it happened, I realized I had no other choice.

In one swift movement, somewhat like ripping off the band-aid, I asked God to give me the strength to do all that I needed to do and that yes, I would give Him my life. Laying in bed, I made the phone call that ended the relationship I was in and said that I could have absolutely no contact again. I promised God to never have another drink. I begged God to help me get all of my finances in order and to be able to face the mess. And in that moment, God, in His amazing grace and love, swooped in and released me from darkness. It felt like when there is a power outage for a few hours and then the lights come back on. There is relief and joy mixed together with excitement and thankfulness. I had no idea what God was going to do and I didn’t care, I was feeling a peace I don’t think I had ever felt in my entire life. God was real and He was never going to leave me or forsake me. For a moment, He turned His face away and then, He redeemed me.

So, four years later, He’s allowed me to publish a book, build a blog, start a non-profit organization and best of all, He’s become my best friend and loving Father. I haven’t had a drop of alcohol and I haven’t spoken to anyone from that past life ever again. I’ve been able to face the pain of loss and grief and see how God was present all along. I’ve been able to walk with people as they leave addiction and show them how amazing God is and how much He loves them. I’ve been privileged to pray for hundreds of people. I live my life as a missionary in a foreign land because my home is with God and for right now, this is my journey. It’s amazing!

You can never go wrong with God. Never. He’s faithful always and He’s totally in love with you. If you need someone to talk to or you need a prayer partner, please email me at jesusreliant@gmail.com.

Shalom,

KA

“For a brief moment I forsook you, but with great compassion I will gather you. In an outburst of anger I hid My face from you for a moment, but with everlasting lovingkindness I will have compassion on you,” Says the Lord your Redeemer.” – Isaiah 54: 7-8 

“For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake, but My lovingkindness will not be removed from you, and My covenant of peace will not be shaken,” Says the Lord who has compassion on you.” – Isaiah 54:10

This week four years ago was one of the more painful weeks of my life and yet, it was the absolute best week of my life. In one moment of obedience, I stepped onto the path God had been calling me to and received a level a peace and healing I had no idea existed for me.

Let me give you a little background first. I was blessed with neighbors when I was 4 years old who loved me beyond what is imaginable. They had no children of their own so we adopted each other as grandparents/grandchild. These people were amazingly loving and generous and were devoted followers of Jesus. They took me to church, prayed for me and loved me in ways that God knew I needed. This allowed me to learn about God at a really young age and lay a solid foundation for my faith.

I accepted Jesus as my savior when I was 14 years old. By that time, my folks had gotten divorced and my mom and I had moved to Alaska. While I loved my mom dearly, she wasn’t a stable force in my life. She had a gypsy heart and was typically most concerned with her needs above mine. She wasn’t a bad person, she just wasn’t your average mom. She always wanted a daughter and she always wanted her daughter to be her best friend. This may be fine when your daughter is an adult, however, it is crummy when you’re the kid best friend. She moved around a lot and so I moved with her.

From 14 years old until I was 39 years old, life ebbed and flowed as life does but I built a mountain of pain because of the movement. My very first boyfriend and love died suddenly when I was 15 years old. I got married young and divorced when I was 28 years old. I got married again a couple years later, and then divorced again when I was 35 years old. In between there, I had a beautiful daughter who is amazing. My mom retired early to move in with us and be a stay-at-home Grammy. Throughout all of this, I used alcohol off-an-on to medicate through pain. I started drinking when I was 14 years old and knew that it would help me feel better. Not healthy obviously, just momentarily better. By the time I was in my late 30’s, I was a heavy drinker and not being careful with my life. My mom took care of absolutely every aspect of our lives so I really had no reason to have to be careful, as far as I was concerned. I assumed my mom would take care of me forever.

In December of 2008, on Wednesday the 9^th, my mom had a brain aneurysm in our living room and I never held another conversation with her again. The next day she went into a coma and 4-days later, she was gone. My life turned upside down and was flushed right down the toilet. To say that I had no clue is an understatement. My mom had trained me to be fully reliant on her and so to not have her around was…well…pain. I didn’t know my daughter’s schedule, I didn’t know where we banked, I didn’t know any of our bills. I didn’t know how to manage any aspect of my life except working and drinking. I remember standing on my porch a couple days after her death, watching snow fall and saying to God, “I don’t want anything to do with You ever again. You’ve just ruined my life in one swift motion. You didn’t need her in heaven, I needed her here and You took her from me. How dare You! Don’t ever do anything for me again because honestly, I think you stink.” And in that moment, I dove head first into the darkest darkness possible.

For the next two years, I got through my days at work, my time with my daughter and school by living for the moments when I could drink. I didn’t drink at home and I never missed work, I drank on certain days of the week and every-other-weekend. On those “free” days, I drank to black out most nights. I was in so much pain I couldn’t stand being sober unless I was doing something fun with my daughter. I hated everything about being an adult because I had never been prepared for being an adult. I was miserable but I didn’t want to disappoint anyone so I made sure to have these neat compartments so that my friends and family didn’t know how much pain I was in and that I was drowning.

I’ll post the rest of the story tomorrow, don’t miss it! If something I’ve said thus far resonates with you and you want to talk or have a prayer partner, please email me at jesusreliant@gmail.com.

Shalom,

KA