Help Me in my Unbelief

This day is a raw day for me. I fully believed we would be adapting to our new lives in New York City today and instead, I’m sitting in my apartment across the country from where I long to be, trying to find my way. The gap between what I know to be true and how my truth today feels is a gaping hole right now and while I do fully believe God is doing something new, I’m just going to be honest, I’m hurting.

I know God is faithful and that He has never and will never fail me. I know His promises are Rock solid. I know He has all of my needs met before I even know I have the need. I know He loves me. I also know He has invited me to a path that not everyone walks on and right now, it’s jagged and hurting my feet and legs. I’m tired and I’m building faith that I know doesn’t make any earthly sense and yet, I don’t see any other way to live.

I’m feeling a little bit like Job who said, “Yet though He slay me, I will trust in Him.” (Job 13:15) God planted a seed, started to sprout that seed and then asked me to give the sprouting seed back to Him. So I did, tearfully hearing Him say “I have something better for you, trust me.”

Here’s the deal though, that triggers my story and the truth of that is…I don’t want to process this pain right now. I didn’t get to have the parents married longer than I’ve been alive. I didn’t get to have the financially stable childhood. I didn’t get to have “no abuse” as a label. I didn’t get to have “never had a drink, touch a cigarette or taken a drug” as a banner. I could go on and on and now, I’m battling with feeling like it’s all a punishment. Like I’m not worthy of a good and pretty story. The enemy is desperate for me to give up my faith and though right this moment I am hanging on by my fingernails, I’m still hanging on. I refuse to accept I’m being punished. I refuse to accept that I never get a beautiful story. I refuse to allow the Dark father of lies any more peace than I’ve already given up today.

Today is a new day in a new season. Today is that 16th day in my year of Jubilee and I would rather be slayed by Jesus than give up my faith in His redemption and grace in my life. So yes, I’m struggling right now but guess what, it won’t last. My Father will continue to tell me “well done. Beloved. I am always with you.” And I will strain to say to Satan, “Get behind me.”

It’s time to just be honest, this day is hard. I’m praying for shalom over you and over me. I’m praying that we will start declaring what we know to be true even when it doesn’t feel like it’s true. God is for us and no one and no weapon will take us down unless we abdicate our place and our faith. I may be in tears now but I will still sing joy and praise for my Redeemer who has me.





  1. fullcircle · July 16, 2018


  2. Gloria (Califf) Sthay · July 16, 2018

    I don’t know what you need right now, but I’m sorry you are hurting so. One thing God had to teach me, and it took a long time, is that he doesn’t want my ministry, he wants me. It took me a long time to learn that one. He loves us, KA, even though we don’t understand. I encourage you to focus on him and who he is, and say, “you are enough.” I believe that someday you will see the ministry you so long for will happen. In God’s time and in his way. Miss you, sister!

    • bowmkb1 · July 16, 2018

      It’s all for His glory. I believe pain is sometimes part of the process so yep, I just stay focused on Jesus. ❤️

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